nowadays

i have accepted that during puberty a person learns a lot about themselves. i personnaly, have found out about a lot of things.

one of them is the fact that i have sexuality. i remember in kindergarden we used to play that we "sexed" when plaing house. in primary school i got my first kiss, but never had sexual feelings for someone. naturally of course, i was not mature enough back then. but now i have urges i only thought boys had. i have to, simply have to.

and now i have come to a spot where i need a boyfreind. fuck my life.

the thing is that i like a guy who is younger thatn me, and things with him is going really slow beacause i havetn prooved to my self that i am good enough and i do not have the power to show my self-asteam to him. because i am more than ready to have a boyfrind. thats the truth.

movies

i love watching movies. recently i watched theese:

lords of dogtown 

dark blue almost black












coco before chanel

 watch them!!!

creativity bold

since i am so depressed i try to work on my mind in a way, and many different ideas pop out from my head. so i decided to out some of them to life.

i am an active girl. i snowboard as often as i can. and now i am getting my older brother's snowboard i want to airbrush it and paint on a motive i make myself. i am really looking forward to do this, and i have gathered some inspiration from burtons website on how to put my ideas and motives on a snowboard without making a design as crappy as the transformer-shit thats on now.. 

here are some og the copositions i like:

 

 but am thinking of making a multifugurative background like the one in the middle, with black, white and dark purple and of course some kind of monster ...
i am not sure but here are some drawings of monsters i am, so far, satisfied with:

a hard decition all right.. huh
but the turlte is awesome!!

too school for cool

school. my last semester at middle school or secondary school or what you want to call it. i am 15, figure it out. already i am exhosted. its not like summer break when i miss the people and get my motivation up, the christmas holiday only makes me miss summer and i get depressed and fat.
 christmas sucks!

Anyway: i am already starting to feel the stress. every class at school the teachers remind us that its the last semester and the last uppertunity to impress them. most of my classmates are idiots, but of course i have to work with them on different sorts of projects. it always goes like this: i do everything and becasue of the fact that i am not a teacher i cant make them do anything they do not want, so everything is done the last second. always pushing time to the maximum, yeyy. it is not just my classmates making everything more stressful, my family and friends are sirtenly not helping. ok, my friends are helping, fine. but no matter what i do or say, i have to think about ereybody else and how it will affect them. i normally do that automaically, but now a days everyone are so sensitive and touchy, really. its like trying to disolve a bomb while talking to it.

but i wont let anything stop me. i have greeved enough. i am going to do things my way, if you suckers like it or not. bottom line. i have pretty high expectations about myself. this. thursday this week, we had a test at school in nature studies about carbohydrates. i did not do a good job i am afraid. i answered every question of course. but i forgot one thing, and mixed it with something else. i think it was like that. so i am hoping for a 5.. (6-1 are our grades, six is best) i am so dissappointed of myself right now. like SHIT!  so i cleansed the knife and startin kutting my self again. it felt so good. a good thing im not addicted to it, yet

so yes, school is kinda killing me. even though i love going to school and learning. i am very x1000000 grateful for that i got the possibility to go to a decent school and learn. its unbelievable that some kids dont get the chance. sometimes i fell like like Baby from diry dancing. i want to change the world. the only thing i can do about the world right now, is unfortunately changing myself and passing it forward.

my "make life better"-inspo: man in the mirror by michael jackson + "pay it forward" movie by director mimi leder and is written by leslie dixon. the whole idea of paying small favours to someone you meet or know that needs it is such a perferct philosophy. thats kinda my religion right now. paying it forward.

i have to read aboutmy catatonic-like behavoir and mindset. i am a rebel but also a nerd. help me someone, please

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