i am just conna explain

now as i have started writing, i am gonna continue. explain whats going on right now in my life.

school: its getting harder, more and more is expected. i am more and more stressed out. my class are facing the final exams, and of course our teachers  are replaced with crappy students which dont know or understand anything. typical. so we are on our own, meaning that half of the class will fail as hell. poor kids. having dreams. and the systems strangles them and crushes them like insects without blinking once.

friends: my friends are stupid.

family: i have to escape from home now. after school i go to the library read novels and do my homework and visit my mums friend, who have becomed more like my friend and now my second mum or aunt. she totally sees my frustration about mum. my mom can be terrible at times, but yet so caring, loving and giving. i love her and hate her <3

art: i am at my atelier every thursday now working with grafic art, and also making my own snowboard design with airbrush and stencils and everything.

working out: here in norway there is winter, so i go cross-country skiing at the weekends and sometimes after

school. i run on tredmill and swim too. i love working out acctually. i love the energy one get after hard work. that good conciense and satisfaction. ahhh.
of course i am not doing it fir the joy, just to burn fat. had ypu there for a second didnt i? hahaah

music: damien rice. avenged sevenfold. terodon. missy higgins. adele. haha
ok no more haha's

love: am getting closer to him. there is a chance he is interested, i just have to talk more with him and get to know him better.

piano: at the momet i am playing four preludes from bachs well tempered clavier, the concert is in the baptists church in march. all are welcome. not

moood: depressed. schisofrenic as never before. everywhere is turn i see something that i cant look at.

black swan

i went to the movies and saw black swan today. it was reallly good. and thats that. i am as schisoprenic as nina.

lately i have been doing great at school and gotten closer to the guy i am in love with. but tomorrows valentines day, and i am sure he wont call me, text me, come over to me and give me a kiss, or a hug, or send me a mail, or say something to me on facebook, neither mail, chat or write on my wall. fact it i wouldt either. thats the deal .

earlier today i went skiing downhill, except for the skiis; snowboard is ten thousand times cooler. i havent painted it myself yet, but some of the stencils are ready though. i was sith my friend, and she was dreadful .i am sorry but its the truth. i just have to accept that i dont have friends that are up for fun. she always complaned that her ass war hurting, her knees were broken and her arm wrist was smashed too. so after being optimistical and agreeing on buying cards for four hours, she called her mom do come pick us op at halv past three. yeei.

why dodnt people just forget about shit and live a bit in the moment? why the heck cant she shut up and concentrate about the fucking snowboard and maybe discover that its going the opposite direction of the one quested? why cant i be skinny? why dont eating cotton and water and going several miles on cross-countryskiis help? why are my parent so stupid yet so smart? why are there no one to talk to and the ones that i could talk to think that i am not cool and beatifyl enough?

i know. so i get to learn about life. fuck puberty. i want to fuck someone. and get if over with. i want to travel around the world. i want to help a horse give birth, i want to save kids from rumanian orphanages, i want to talk to a stranger and discover my soulmate, i want to be skinny, i want to tuch shark skin, i want to fly like a bird. but my pounds and my head are getting in the way. somehow i have to get writ of them .get supid and skinny. thats the way of living isnit? diesel- the smart have the theories and the stupid has the stories, be stupid. i will. but after school.

nowadays

i have accepted that during puberty a person learns a lot about themselves. i personnaly, have found out about a lot of things.

one of them is the fact that i have sexuality. i remember in kindergarden we used to play that we "sexed" when plaing house. in primary school i got my first kiss, but never had sexual feelings for someone. naturally of course, i was not mature enough back then. but now i have urges i only thought boys had. i have to, simply have to.

and now i have come to a spot where i need a boyfreind. fuck my life.

the thing is that i like a guy who is younger thatn me, and things with him is going really slow beacause i havetn prooved to my self that i am good enough and i do not have the power to show my self-asteam to him. because i am more than ready to have a boyfrind. thats the truth.

movies

i love watching movies. recently i watched theese:

lords of dogtown 

dark blue almost black












coco before chanel

 watch them!!!

creativity bold

since i am so depressed i try to work on my mind in a way, and many different ideas pop out from my head. so i decided to out some of them to life.

i am an active girl. i snowboard as often as i can. and now i am getting my older brother's snowboard i want to airbrush it and paint on a motive i make myself. i am really looking forward to do this, and i have gathered some inspiration from burtons website on how to put my ideas and motives on a snowboard without making a design as crappy as the transformer-shit thats on now.. 

here are some og the copositions i like:

 

 but am thinking of making a multifugurative background like the one in the middle, with black, white and dark purple and of course some kind of monster ...
i am not sure but here are some drawings of monsters i am, so far, satisfied with:

a hard decition all right.. huh
but the turlte is awesome!!

too school for cool

school. my last semester at middle school or secondary school or what you want to call it. i am 15, figure it out. already i am exhosted. its not like summer break when i miss the people and get my motivation up, the christmas holiday only makes me miss summer and i get depressed and fat.
 christmas sucks!

Anyway: i am already starting to feel the stress. every class at school the teachers remind us that its the last semester and the last uppertunity to impress them. most of my classmates are idiots, but of course i have to work with them on different sorts of projects. it always goes like this: i do everything and becasue of the fact that i am not a teacher i cant make them do anything they do not want, so everything is done the last second. always pushing time to the maximum, yeyy. it is not just my classmates making everything more stressful, my family and friends are sirtenly not helping. ok, my friends are helping, fine. but no matter what i do or say, i have to think about ereybody else and how it will affect them. i normally do that automaically, but now a days everyone are so sensitive and touchy, really. its like trying to disolve a bomb while talking to it.

but i wont let anything stop me. i have greeved enough. i am going to do things my way, if you suckers like it or not. bottom line. i have pretty high expectations about myself. this. thursday this week, we had a test at school in nature studies about carbohydrates. i did not do a good job i am afraid. i answered every question of course. but i forgot one thing, and mixed it with something else. i think it was like that. so i am hoping for a 5.. (6-1 are our grades, six is best) i am so dissappointed of myself right now. like SHIT!  so i cleansed the knife and startin kutting my self again. it felt so good. a good thing im not addicted to it, yet

so yes, school is kinda killing me. even though i love going to school and learning. i am very x1000000 grateful for that i got the possibility to go to a decent school and learn. its unbelievable that some kids dont get the chance. sometimes i fell like like Baby from diry dancing. i want to change the world. the only thing i can do about the world right now, is unfortunately changing myself and passing it forward.

my "make life better"-inspo: man in the mirror by michael jackson + "pay it forward" movie by director mimi leder and is written by leslie dixon. the whole idea of paying small favours to someone you meet or know that needs it is such a perferct philosophy. thats kinda my religion right now. paying it forward.

i have to read aboutmy catatonic-like behavoir and mindset. i am a rebel but also a nerd. help me someone, please

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i will almost die for this body

about myself and FOOD
i adore thin people. i have had artistic periods painting skeletons or very thin people. i adore the bony backs of thin people or thin legs. i do not thinks it is healthy or very beatiful, but i sure as hell want to be almost too thin. it is not a condition, its a way of life. the right way. as long as i loose the weight slowly, so my brain gets used to the decreasing amount of nutrition and fat in my body so it do not mess up my life, because right now school and my education is the most important thing. i have to learn a lot and earn good grades at school in order to have good aspects for my future. i do not want to sit on my ass on the couch and be unsatisfied with my career. that is something that will never happen in my life, ill make sure it wont. but after i have taken my exams ill maybe take a year off to travel oruond the world. id like that a lot. and then, i can loose weight. i want to be pretty skinny. or i do not want to be skinny, i just want to be skinnyER, and get  used to not eating so much. humans eat a hell of lot more than they need. just looking out my window i see overweight people walking their dogs without a single concern about anything - their face expression tels it. i do not want to be that way. that year, or that time of my life, i also want to be a vegetarian. i am against the meat industry as it is today, and therefore - and of course of the fact that red meat is very unhealthy for our bodies if we eat it every day our whole lives, i will only eat vegetables and fruits, and maybe eggs and fish just to get enough protein. the reason that i am not a vegarian now, is because i am too young now, i still need a lot of nutrition. i am still in my puberty and i am not fully grown yet either. so ill wait a bit longer before i start the action.

i am really lokking forward to loose weight. i am not that superficial that i care so much about looks and weight. i just want to be thinner and have a great plan how to do it: i am going to eat healthier, and exercise more. not starving myself, never. i love myself and apreshiate life enough to not harm myself and go crazy and start starving myself. i am so sick of people walking around with their pro-ana rules written on the back of their arm always counting calories and crying when they took two slices of cucumber instead of one half. stupidity. i am just saing i want to live in the moment, exercise and focus on what i am eating for a period and become a bit thinner. nothing wrong with self dicipline i presume?

as for now i eat very healthy, according to my friends i am like a self consiousness, the "i-always-eat-up-all-myvegetables"-type. i never drink cola or any other kind of dishwater like soda propped full with sugar and preservers. i almost never eat chocolate or any other kind of sweets. i bake cakes a lot, i have one small piece just not to make people think i am on a diet. i do it beacause i love watching other people eating unhealthy food. i do not know why. maybe it is beacause i like watching all the unhealthy food i do not eat getting eaten by other, not getting wasted or thrown in the garbage. i am not sure. i just love seing someome cheing on a nice big piece of chocolate or caramel pudding, or anything! exept my family though. i cant stand listening to my mother, father and brother chewing at all. sometimes it gets so irritating i have to leave dinner and run away, eat the rest later, turn on the radio, sing to my self or laugh out loudly. i have thoose moments too.

i know that based on what i am writing a phsycolgist or a doctor could easily diagnose me with anorexia or some kind of eating disorder. but i am aware of it, trust me. i am smarter than other girl, at least some of them. the anorexia ones, i mean. i am not going to let food distroy my life, and take over my whole destiny. i am jst going to take advandage of my own will and use it to be the person i want to be.























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