i will almost die for this body

about myself and FOOD
i adore thin people. i have had artistic periods painting skeletons or very thin people. i adore the bony backs of thin people or thin legs. i do not thinks it is healthy or very beatiful, but i sure as hell want to be almost too thin. it is not a condition, its a way of life. the right way. as long as i loose the weight slowly, so my brain gets used to the decreasing amount of nutrition and fat in my body so it do not mess up my life, because right now school and my education is the most important thing. i have to learn a lot and earn good grades at school in order to have good aspects for my future. i do not want to sit on my ass on the couch and be unsatisfied with my career. that is something that will never happen in my life, ill make sure it wont. but after i have taken my exams ill maybe take a year off to travel oruond the world. id like that a lot. and then, i can loose weight. i want to be pretty skinny. or i do not want to be skinny, i just want to be skinnyER, and get  used to not eating so much. humans eat a hell of lot more than they need. just looking out my window i see overweight people walking their dogs without a single concern about anything - their face expression tels it. i do not want to be that way. that year, or that time of my life, i also want to be a vegetarian. i am against the meat industry as it is today, and therefore - and of course of the fact that red meat is very unhealthy for our bodies if we eat it every day our whole lives, i will only eat vegetables and fruits, and maybe eggs and fish just to get enough protein. the reason that i am not a vegarian now, is because i am too young now, i still need a lot of nutrition. i am still in my puberty and i am not fully grown yet either. so ill wait a bit longer before i start the action.

i am really lokking forward to loose weight. i am not that superficial that i care so much about looks and weight. i just want to be thinner and have a great plan how to do it: i am going to eat healthier, and exercise more. not starving myself, never. i love myself and apreshiate life enough to not harm myself and go crazy and start starving myself. i am so sick of people walking around with their pro-ana rules written on the back of their arm always counting calories and crying when they took two slices of cucumber instead of one half. stupidity. i am just saing i want to live in the moment, exercise and focus on what i am eating for a period and become a bit thinner. nothing wrong with self dicipline i presume?

as for now i eat very healthy, according to my friends i am like a self consiousness, the "i-always-eat-up-all-myvegetables"-type. i never drink cola or any other kind of dishwater like soda propped full with sugar and preservers. i almost never eat chocolate or any other kind of sweets. i bake cakes a lot, i have one small piece just not to make people think i am on a diet. i do it beacause i love watching other people eating unhealthy food. i do not know why. maybe it is beacause i like watching all the unhealthy food i do not eat getting eaten by other, not getting wasted or thrown in the garbage. i am not sure. i just love seing someome cheing on a nice big piece of chocolate or caramel pudding, or anything! exept my family though. i cant stand listening to my mother, father and brother chewing at all. sometimes it gets so irritating i have to leave dinner and run away, eat the rest later, turn on the radio, sing to my self or laugh out loudly. i have thoose moments too.

i know that based on what i am writing a phsycolgist or a doctor could easily diagnose me with anorexia or some kind of eating disorder. but i am aware of it, trust me. i am smarter than other girl, at least some of them. the anorexia ones, i mean. i am not going to let food distroy my life, and take over my whole destiny. i am jst going to take advandage of my own will and use it to be the person i want to be.























weheartit.com

blue skies

listening to: noah and the whales blue skies

i took the bus home from my grandmothers house a couple of days ago. today i have been to the city, i went shopping and bought a oversized t-shirt with lionsprint and a t-shirt with BLACK written on it. but i am acctually in a pretty good mood. here at home i can control what i am eating more, so i eat less meat and more vegetables (more about that later), and i am im my own room and sleep in my own bed. its a good feeling, its so nice to be at home again. i love traveling, i just am in a period where home is such a comfy place, that i also flee from. here's the deal: i want do be the one deciding whether i go home or somewhere else. i hate not being able to decide. but when i have the uppertunity to go home, as most of the time, i choose not to. just as anything else, we always strive for the things that are almost impossible.

in town i met my freind, emma. we are good frinds, and it was very nice to see her again. i feel that since the christmas break started, there is now some kind of wall between me and everybody else. i got in some sort of bad mood, and even talking to my mom didnt go so easily. but seing her today and my friend ragnhild yesterday was what i needed. really.

but as i walked around in town today with emma, we saw the typical stupid girls, the mainstream fucks: listening to taylor swift, wearing clothes looking like bags - monotonous edition, having at least 10 layers of foundation on their faces and tar on their lashes, eyebrows marked with a black eyeliner making them look like the stupiest pig you have one time saw on that childhood cartoon or something. they are everywhere! ist scary. emma said: there are stupid everywhere.
i said: agreed. i think every body should reed the book beatles by author lars saabye christensen. if that book was some sort of general knowledge, the world would be a better place.
emma saying: your fucking right.

 the book beatles by lars saabye christensen(norwegian author, but the book is translated in many languages, im sure) is very good. its perfectly to read when your are like me, in a time like between wartime. when youre unexperienced, just starting to get the taste of life, no tknowing where to start of in which direction to go. when the people that should guide you arent understanding a word of what you are saying, the lights that should light up the past are blinding you, when the way isnt build yet. is is about four boys living in norways capital city, oslo, in the 60's. they are experiencing the nam-war from the outside, in norway, and they love beatles music. the are sort of rebels, and like me youngsters trying to find out who they are. as the beatles band did, they split up and the two following book is the triology (in norwegian: bly and bisettelsen) lead and funeral ends the story with them being very apart from each other. it is sad in a way, of course, but reading the book, which is such an outstanding recollection should really be read by everyone. it gives you a new view of live.

between wartime

yeah. how original. christmas ist about jesus anymore, how sad.. i know, i know. but still. it is not that i want everybody going fanatic with religion or anything. but why does all these tradisions and principles humans have chanche to some other excuse to shop til we drop, waste time, effort and money on nothing (or something that is eaten in two minutes). its not only christmas holidays that are being changed to this shopping mania, a lot of things which are basically with good intension and make sense in the beginning are almost always spoiled and made to another shitty thing every body has to do, no way out.

however, i am sure about this: i am surtenly not the only one whitout the Christmas spirit this year. i promise you.

i know this can be frustrating to read, i am sorry about that. but this is my way to exress my thoughts since i cant talk to anyone i know about them. so get used to it. its not that harsh, is it? but anyway i can agree to the fact that chritmas i a good thing. i have to admit it, i needed a short vacation just to gather up a bit. hahah

christmas?

isnt it strange that everybody is litteraly going bananas during december, buying all sort of crap and baking all sort of sugarfilled-shit? i mean yes, most of the worl could be considered some sort of christians, and therefore they all have a right to celebrate baby Jesus' birthday. but today christmas isnt about that at all.

christmas for me is as it always is, my family and i are visiting my grandparents, one year my fathers parents and the next year my mothers parents. anyway, my grandmother (who that is depends on the year of course) is cooking all sort of mystical meet in some dark grease or something and serves it all with mushed potatoes and carrots. i litteralily stop eating, or i try to, but since my parents fear that i acctually WONT eat, i cant leave the table unless i have eaten at least one portion. crap. everyday dinner is followed by caramel pudding with and overflow of caramel saus and of course, no way without it: whipped cream. the sweet edition. i get more and more tired of this tradition, to gather as many calories we can during what 5 minutes(?), and enjoying a nice christmas movie afterwards in case our bodies maybe wanted to burn some of that energy. not this years succer! so my lack of happyness is causing me to get grumpy. and me not being able to break the ice anymore, causes my disfunctional family to hit some rough edges. so this will be a bloddy christmas. yes, i luckilly remembered to bring my knife, a tiny knife that is extremly sharp that i use to cut my arms the inside of my thieghs. 

merry holy everyone. think about what christmas really is supposed to be about, and use it for your own good. stop focusing on the god damn turkey or whatever your'e eating, and think about what in the world you would to if it wasnt for jesus and god, that gave you life. do not even think about being unpleased with the presents you got this year. they do not belong to  you anyway.

what do you think about the blog so far?
tips?
-m

nothing's sweet about me. yeah.

that last post was a sort of ingress or something. i have to open myself a bit, i think. get you guys to know me. ok.. (note to self: be anonymous)
some facts you should know:
i am 15 years old, a girl, blond, live in norway. like basiqilly, as they say.
i listen to every genre of music there is.
i paint picures and i am a fairly goodly drawer.
i play piano, and am currently in a trio with two of my friends, piano (me), a saxophone and a violin.
i love the french language.
i am a big fan of the idea of mixing human races, i am myself a mix of chech and norwegian. in breeding: die!!
i do not care about materialistic things. i could live without a dime, poor as hell as long as i could still listen to my music and be with my freinds. just so you know: the brag about my friends is beacause of the fact that "me having friends" havent been for such a long time. now as i have friends, i try to spend as much time with them as i can, both because i want to stay friends with them and the fact that i hate being homw, listening to my parents arguing and screaming at each other. i'll end up cutting myself again.

at primary school i was not popular at all. at first i had a lot of friends, i am normal, despite everything. its just that humans are animals, we hate the persons that are better than ourselves. i am not stupid, so naturally some people had something against me.. it also helped the situation that i did not atend handball with the other girls. i went skiing instead, and became the third wheel. but after all i managed to get friends, i am pretty nice to people. i have been outside of the circle myself, so i am openminded to people that are outside themselves. they are always, i asure you, always much cooler than the popular people. bottom line: i am not outside the "circle of trust" or whatever, i just like the fact that i am on the edge. as always i am on the edge of something.

as time goes by, i get older, i think more, also thanks to my puberty, i think A LOT. about everything. really, a lot about a lot too. filosophy, all the things about life and politics, the society and how the world really is. i am young, yes, and pretty unexperienced, but i wonder..

thats mainly the reason i am pretty depressed. as mentioned: i cut myself, i starve myself and i hit myself. as i wonder about life and everything i feel like i shouldn bother trying with all the shit that is unevitable in life. but i also feel i shoul, i dont know.. live like a dog or something. live in the moment. not dealing with problems i dont have yet, and worrying about something that havent happened. i should stop caring about everyone else, and just be myself. so why is that so fucking hard to do then? jeez...

maybe you know a bit more about me, i atleast hope you do. i will ofcourse continue with blogging, and maybe some day i can look back and laugh about the time i was really lost. or maybe i can print this out and publish a book i will get some award for. but the only award i want is the uppertunity to just live my life.

hi

this is a blog that will follow a norwegian young girl through her early ears covering her thoughts and experiences.
i start writing now as i am meeting me life`s biggest obstacle so far: the abily to think (now a bit more reflected compared to my thinking when i was a kid. ) i am the type of girl that wishes she was i boy. i have very good grades at school and is considered as a nerd. meanwhile i also hate school and see myself as a sort of rebell. i have recently made a lot of friends (the last four years), and i struggle every day with my shedule, trying to make time for my hobbies, school, and friends. i cut myself. i starve myself and i adore thin people. i am in love, slowly getting to know the guy (who is unfortunately a couple of months younger than me). i love mountain hiking and jogging in the woods, right by my house. i do not know who i am. i just know that the society i live in, is very messed up.